The Emissivity of Fear

The emissivity of my MS — Chapter 04 of the 04

Moving into 2023’s bike MS weekend, I found it necessary to review and revise a blog series from 2019. My words are stronger, my body is weaker, my message is more relevant than ever before.

R — A — T — E

REFLECTANCE — ABSORBANCE — TRANSMITTANCE — EMISSIVITY

Fear is the worst of all the projections my MS effectively focuses on me. Any pain I experience pales compared to the fear of what I will feel tomorrow or the constant worry that my current levels will never recede. Not-yet-experienced losses always seem to exceed today’s sadness. Absolutely every physical, mental, and emotional effect of my MS clouds me in fear.

I REFLECT the fear my MS emits through a thin mask of sarcasm and bravery (stubbornness, ignorance, foolishness…). I’ll share posts of my hospital visits in hopes of eliciting sympathy or reassurance that it’ll get better. Don’t tell anyone. I will never admit this!

Through my stories, I’ll TRANSMIT the fear MS creates on “others” (translation: me) by using examples of how they could overwhelm me if I were a weaker man (they do/I am).

Most of my fear has been unsuccessfully ABSORBED for almost 24 years. Unsuccessfully, I say, because I recognize there is a trickling emissivity of fear that will kill me if I don’t get a hold of it. Isolation. Self-destructive behavior. Extremes of health, fitness, diet, alcohol. The slow leak of…